Murder

Many parents murder their children, before they can walk, emotionally and spiritually. My parents will never, ever spend a day in prison for the life-long, ongoing murdurous HELL and TORMENT that they caused in their twelve childrens' lives, mine included. Your son physically committed murder to protect children and gets life w/o parole? Where's justice? Paraphrasing Apostle Luke who quotes Jesus..."If anyone causes a child to stumble, put a millstone around their neck and throw them out to sea." (Capital punishment?) I'm very, very sorry for your son's (legal sytstem) fate. The Lord, by His incredible gentleness and kindness,continues to heal my shrapnel damaged heart, mind, and soul. The many, many years I spent in solitude/captivity, at the hands of my parents, have given me a depth and knowledge in Christ that I would have otherwise not known. The Lord is doing the same for Jason and your family. You are in my prayers.
Your sister in Christ,
Beth Gradishar, Denver, CO (married to Randy Gradishar, former Denver Broncos linebacker, #53)

in need of grace

I don't know how many people may read this, and I am hoping nobody who knows me will! But i want to share my story because it might help you in your journey of offering grace to your son, Jason.

My parents divorced when I was 7, i think. Kind of fuzzy on the details cuz I don't remember much of my childhood. My dad was ordained a Presbyterian minister the year I was born. I am the oldest of 3 kids, the only girl. In fact, i am the only girl out of all my father's siblings. (Turns out that is a good thing.)

From the ages of 9 to 11 or so, I was molested by my grandfather regularly, until he died of cancer. Without getting too detailed, the experience left me confused, but still a virgin. Fast forward a few years, to high school. I dated casually, but never anything serious. Never fell in love. Had a crush or two. That was it. My counselors now tell me I did not ever mature sexually because I had never detached from my mother. (Was raised by my dad since age 7.) Basically, inside my heart i was still a little girl. Never really sexually matured. Dated some in college, and was basically date raped each time, without the actual act, thank the Lord. He really protected me. I did eventually marry, at age 29, and did wear white at my wedding, though we married after our baby was born. She was beautiful, our daughter. Wants to grow up to be a rancher and a missionary, bless her heart. I was hoping she'd be President. Maybe someday. I am sure you, Carol, had aspirations for your son as well. And i hear the heartbreak at the seeming reality that those can never be, but then again, we don't know all that awaits us in heaven. If our life now which is just a vapor, is really a training ground for eternity, he may be getting his training now for something truly glorious in the Kingdom to come. Keep hoping. I haven't read your book yet... maybe that's in there.

Anyway, I kind of skipped a pretty significant part of my story, because it is a difficult thing to share. And i want to say this in a discreet way. I have been married 12 years, have 5 beautiful healthy children who love the Lord, and live in a rural community which I absolutely love. I am not a big city girl. But something happened, sort of a mid-life crisis if you will. I got depressed, clinically, and became very lonely, dissatisfied with my life, etc. And i did something that could have potentially hurt alot of people, something selfish. Something that ought not to be done. And it felt so right, so good, so healing, so renewing, it just couldn't be wrong, I reasoned at the time. But when i see the damage done, the collateral damage, it was devastating. I am still recovering. So is my husband. But he offered me grace. He forgave me for doing what for most guys would be the most painful thing anyone could do. Well almost. See, i wasn't with a man. I was with a woman. I married hoping that it would help "fix" me. But 11 years of marriage later, I still was struggling with attractions toward women. I managed to get by without an indiscretion for 23 years since I began the struggle. But this time, I had nothing left with which to fight. So i gave in. And just like Jason gave in to his flesh in a moment of whatever it was that caused the crime of murder to be committed, so i gave in to emotions i had kept bottled up, buried, and ignored for 23 years. i just couldn't resist anymore. I still have not matured emotionally to the place where i can connect with a man. I am still a little girl inside looking for a maternal connection. And being an adult, all of that gets sexualized. So much to explain, such a small space to do it in! But i hope I have not offended with my story. I just want you to know, we all are in need of grace.

That is why Jesus gave His life, in our place. So He could be with us for eternity, even though we mess up. He knew we'd need grace! He planned for it! Made provision for it! And it's ok. It really is. Learning to walk, we fall. We get back up. We walk some more. Someone recently said we'll all be infants in heaven. They may be right. We'll have so much to learn! A whole new realm to experience, maneuver around in, learn about. An entire universe of adventure and new abilities to perceive it await us. Jason may be in jail, but his heart is free! And so is mine. God put all the pieces back together for me, in His great mercy. He knows we are frail, but dust. He knows, and loves us anyway! Amazing. Amazing grace. How sweet the sound...